The Gift of wholeness
So often we want to banish our imperfect nature and hide our wounded parts that make us behave in less than ways. What if we were to accept all our parts, which add up to make our whole self? What if we were content with our imperfections? It is more self-sustaining to practice self-compassion towards our wounded, embarrassing, shameful, weak parts. Yet more often we want to be perfect, and not let others see our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. But humans are made up of lots of different imperfect parts and it is only in our wholeness that we are perfect.
In my one-to-one health coaching and therapeutic work, often clients talk about wanting to release old patterns or traumas. They want rid of challenging parts. I prefer to reframe it so that we try to find a different relationship to these less acceptable patterns of ourselves, relating to them with compassion, as we might do to an injured child. By being conscious of these wounded parts, they don’t take control of our lives. I might get anxious in certain situations, but I can see that it relates to a childhood trauma. Once I can see this root and feel it occurring in my body, I have strategies to be with my anxiety so that it doesn’t become overwhelming. I accept that I have anxious parts and that I also have strong confident parts.
Human beings are complex interconnected systems
Human beings are complex interconnected systems, so it helps to be aware of what supports us to feel well and the parts that connect to form the whole. Interestingly, the etymology of the word health is whole, meaning a state of unity. If health and wholeness are one and the same, how can we find more wholeness in our lives and what does this mean? Physician and trauma expert, Dr. Gabor Maté, whose Compassionate Enquiry practice evolved out of working for many years in Vancouver’s Downtown East Side with people challenged by severe drug addiction, describes health as an ability to be with pain. In other words, from his perspective, being well is a capacity to hold our pain in relationship to the whole of our lives. The pain he refers to is physical, emotional, or social.
This corresponds with my own clinical practice of supporting clients to develop capacity in their neuroendocrine system, to allow more adaptable responses to any given situation. Expressing anger or irritation is appropriate in certain situations but we don’t want to get stuck there. Rather than being stuck in a chronic defence state, practices to give flexibility in the nervous system allow greater capacity for difficulty. The more capacity we have for the pain, the fear, the anger, the more we can experience joy, passion, and pleasure. This self-acceptance might also be seen as a form of radical acceptance of what is..
Radical Acceptance
The concept of radical acceptance originates in Buddhism and was highlighted through the work of psychologist Carl Rogers, but the idea is very simple. Acknowledge what is here in the present moment with a light curious attention but do not get attached to the current difficulty, nor the story behind it. It is not an easy practice, but to my mind, one worth pursuing. Radical acceptance is not about giving up or giving in, rather acknowledging and accepting what is happening in the present moment. This is not to say we don’t strive to improve ourselves, learn new skills, work on our personal growth and development, rather it is to not diminish ourselves unnecessarily. We are a continual work-in-progress, evolving and growing as a plant might. A tree doesn’t worry about what other trees think of it. It grows to be the best tree it can be given the environmental conditions.
A practice to orient to inner wholeness by notice different body rhythms
1. Follow your breath. Try sitting for 5 minutes following your inhale and exhale. If possible, allow your exhale to be a little longer than the inhale.
2. As you follow your breath, can you notice your heart beating? Without judgement, or trying to change anything can you notice the relationship between your heart and your breath.
3. Can you drop down a layer in the body to notice the fluid nature of your body? Your body has fluids within and between the cells. If you sit quietly, you might notice rhythms within these fluids.
4. Do you notice any stillness underneath these rhythms of breath, heart, and fluids?
The next time you are suffering or hating a part of yourself, you might ask how does this part serve the whole? Wait and listen for an answer from your inner voice.
We might learn from Leonard Cohen who said,
“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in”
This article was first published in Ambition Magazine